ANNYEONG! ^^v
I left my baby white roses red wine (WRRW) about 3 years ago due to a lot of major heartbreaks. But it’s all good now. When i first moved on to another domain, never had i thought that I’d actually come back. Wanted to come up with another one but I’m just too lazy to create and think going through the long draggy process. I’m not longer that teenage girl changing her blogskin every 2 weeks. AND. I love WRRW too much. 
It’s been such a looooooooooong time since I last “talked to myself”. What? Blogging is like talking to yourself what no? This is so awkward. I have no idea what to write about, all i know is that i miss having a space I can unleash endless rants at. And so recently, I’ve been needing to whine and just pour my emotions out. Which is why, I am back here.
I’m trying to write all of these down but my pen wouldn’t flow as fast my thoughts, but even then, my thoughts are incoherent and I am incapable of writing anything good. I am bursting at the seams from the overwhelming pent up emotions. Let this be the most honest review spoken from within.
I think I’m at a point in my life where I’ve learnt to accept changes as they come. Acceptance was something I never learnt, or refused to learn. So much has happened in the past 6 months that I’ve been forced to grow up and to embrace life as it is, however unpleasant it may be.
Sometimes I wonder what exactly is God planning… Surely I don’t need to go through so much pain to gain that little understanding. I couldn’t explain it, but I prayed fervently for an answer and strange things happened in my life which I haven’t spoken to a single soul about. But I guess those were the answers for me. And time, however cliche, really does have a way to work its magic on me. The piercing ache in the heart has subsided, but I won’t deny there is still a deep longing for a certain someone I could never hold again. My friends asked how did I walked out of it all, and I am stumped. I don’t have an answer, but I do have a glimmer of hope for the future. I just learnt to live life as it is, and learn to let go of whatever is not within my means to change. Letting go completely is… heart wrenching and tough but there really isn’t much I could do either.
Till date, I have no answer but I strive to be happy everyday…or get past the day a little stronger than yesterday. Such love, I will never experience again and I only want to keep the beautiful memories with me because it’s all that I’ve left.
Despite the bad, 2012 has found me wonderful new friends whom I love so dearly now and brought me closer to a couple of old friends which I am immensely grateful for, especially the bond between my homies. Long midnight calls to 5am in the morning, catching up over at waterfront park or simply over a short dinner/supper.
All good things come to an end. I am well aware, and I really do cherish and appreciate all these people around me now cause I’m not leaving any room for regrets. I’m only 21, but I feel age catching up with me. Or is the the weight of the world on my shoulders? I’ve grown wiser.. but I’m duller. Maybe it’s the work load from school, or maybe because I can never open up my heart fully again. I’ve been so uninspired and disheartened that I no longer put in as much effort into anything, however much I love it still.
I’ve always said that when I am coming down hard on myself. No one can be harder on me. I am my worst critic, and I ended up so frustrated with myself sometimes I really just want to give up. I remember during my most recent papers. It was my first paper, I was totally unprepared for the exam and when it ended I just really wanted to crumble and cry. I allowed myself to wallow in self pity and to self destruct. My body couldn’t take in any food or sleep for almost a week. And a friend’s unintended “scoldings” woke me up. Why not use all the negativity i had inside me to motivate myself for my remaining papers? No matter how little hope it seem to hold, all I could do was to suck it up and move on. At least i still had hope. So for that, I have no idea whether you’ll ever chance upon this deserted space but.. I thank you so much. So much .. I am extremely grateful.
The future holds so much uncertainty that it scares me too much.. I am supposed to plan out my future but I am clueless and I already have too much on my hands to cope. I’m trying so hard to stay afloat.
Having said all of that, I cannot undo my past mistakes, but I can make the best out of the present. 2012 hasn’t been exactly a smooth year thus far, but I will continue to be a better person even if it’s in minuscule ways.
P.S: Never get too attached. I will swear by this from now on.
